Determination

Blogged at: 5:27AM

Starting today I will not procrastinate and get everything that I need to be finished, finished before it’s time to go to bed. Senioristis already hit me and good grief, it’s very bad.

Past: I still hate the fact that I miss you as the guy who I turned too when I needed the feeling of being wanted and loved. I hate how you played with my heart and emotions when you knew I was vulernable towards it. I hated how I easily fell into your hands and gave you what you utmost desired without having a clue that you would leave me in the dark all over again. I knew that if you were able to have the guts to dump your girlfriend to be with me, that you would have the same strength to do the same on me if we were ever meant to be. I knew, that for being with someone for nearly two years, that you wouldn’t just let her go with that much ease – and that eventually you’d turn around and run back to her. You told me, “No, she hurt me so much in the past, I want to be with you.” You told me that, and you did the opposite thing. When I cried – It wasn’t because of what you did that hurt me, it wasn’t because I hated you. It was because I was disappointed in you – how you could lie to me about wanting me, and wanting to be with me. That’s the most messed up thing that any guy has ever done – next to getting cheated too. Don’t lie about wanting to be a part of my life to get my attention. We could’ve ended up being friends, but you pushed the limitations so far, that I can’t even bear to look at what we had anymore. It’s over, everything.

Present: Despite my problems that I had with Chinh, things are getting better. I’ve learned not to trust people with my heart anymore and not to give in, with what they need and what they want to expect from me. I am tired of feeling unappreciated and used all the time – well seriously, now? I can offer you two middle fingers and big “fuck you” to the ones who enjoy hurting people. Unless I know you deserve my friendship and my time when I help you, don’t bother asking for my advice, help, etc. I’m tired of being pushed aside after managing to get someone out of the hole that they’ve dug themselves in. I’ve grown from one minor incident, and I’m not going to let another incident like that happening ever again. You had me at hello, and I got you back when I said “good-bye”.

Love Status: I don’t need a guy to tell me that he thinks I’m “cute” or “hot” or whatever it is that they call girls these days. I just want one who can care for me as if I really do matter to them and be there to listen to my problems when I have any. I don’t expect much but just being able to know that there is someone out there that truly cares about me. But then again, there are so little guys out there that realize that and they come into my life thinking, “Oh yeah. She’s going to be mine.” And come out of my life saying, “Man, fuck the bitch.” Sorry that you didn’t get what you wanted out of me, but I don’t want to waste my time getting to know someone who won’t make a difference in my life. The only guy I know who will be there is Gerrat, and that is why I call him my favorite.<3 Thanks for always being there for me.

Depression

Blogged at: 5:18AM

Tossing and turning, panting as I try to sleep, but I just couldn’t. How can something go with such bliss and turn over in a few seconds like that? It’s not like I planned that to happen, it just did. I guess it’s hard to explain in a blog how I felt at the time, because then people would pity me for what happened rather than empathized with the emotions that smacked me in my face. It’s hard to cope with something like that when it happens so quickly so all you really feel is just guilt and misery. How would you feel if someone told you “Why don’t you just go fucking home?” At the time, I couldn’t think after those words were said. I did as what I was told, and drove away. Word of advice: Don’t ever drive when you are crying, it’s quite dangerous actually. I didn’t realize I was going 95 until I cleared out the tears with my shirt. I’m trying to work things out with you, I’m trying. We’ve built up such a great friendship, and it was almost there – but I feel like every little thing I do is considered a big “no-no” in your book. I don’t do the things that I do in purpose to tick you off. I’m not that kind of person, and if you honestly think I do that on purpose, then just forget trying to make things better then.

I hate how when I’m trying to make something better, it just gets worse. I want to be the reason why you have a good time on the weekends, not the reason why you go to bed in frustration. There’s a reason why I consider you “my favorite”. You, out of all my guy friends, can understand everything that I go through because you went through it already. You know how it is to live to make cold hard cash and to survive in the streets. You know how it is to run something, to fix something, to get to the end of the race without having to race. You’re my motivation to better myself – to improve the ways that I live. Without you, it’s hard to even think about whether or not I am able to accomplish the things that I will eventually have to overcome.

Eh, but it’s not like you’re going to read this blog anyways, considering I don’t update it very often. I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done to make you mad. But just know that I didn’t do it on purpose. I’m not trying to be “childish”, “obnoxious”, “stupid”, “annoying”, etc. If that was the case, you wouldn’t be my friend to begin with because you’d see that in me as a person when we first met. I value our friendship, even if you don’t. You don’t realize that you mean alot to me in all ways imaginable. But we have to build on the mistakes, and learn how to fix them – instead of letting it idle in the past. What you leave behind for it to simmer down, will eventually catch up with you in the future. I want to be able to fix this problem, but I can’t do it alone; I need your help.

Take Away – Mike Nguyen

Blogged: 9:35

From now on, the title of my blogs will be a song that is currently playing or is currently what I am listening too. Lately I’ve been thinking about the decisions and choices that I’ve made – and I have to admit, there weren’t the best. I never wanted to break his heart, but I couldn’t continue living on a life that was filled with that much pain and loneliness. If taking someone back meant having to get hurt all over again, I just can’t handle it anymore. You deserved so much better than I, and I just wish you saw that. I asked a lot from you because you kept taking so much from me. You asked and I gave, but it came to the point where I wish the appreciation for what I’ve done for you was much greater in size; However, it decreased and so did my love for you. I don’t regret making the decision for us to part ways, but I regret having to leave you empty handed without any explanations but the tears that I cried. Yeah, I do know how you feel – and I’m sorry, I’ve been sorry. Some say that you deserved it, others told me that I’m a “bitch” for doing it. Either way, one of us had to be hurt, and it ended up being you and it caught up with me and bit me too. But if our love was meant to be, it’ll come back eventually.

Currently: It’s been too hectic for me to do anything now. I have been procrastinating too much to the point where I’m just about to burst. I’ve been sick for a week now after recovering from my other sickness that I had for two months. I’ve been getting dehydrated more and more, even to pass out almost every day for 1-3 hours long. It’s going crazy and I just don’t think I can handle living the way that I am right now. Emotionally I am stable. I don’t have time to go around and “liking” people or anything. Just because I’m single, doesn’t mean I’m going out to find my next boyfriend. It doesn’t work out that way in this day of age. I’m learning to let things be and if someone wants to express their love for me, I’ll take it into careful consideration.

Anyways, I already packed all my stuff for ASB camp tomorrow. I’m not as psyched/excited as I was months ago when I heard I made it onto ASB at my school. I’m just going to anticipate for it to be over so I can finish my other things to do.

1. Finish all AP homework by Sunday/Monday – NO DISTRACTIONS
2. Finish my painting/reading/studying by Wednesday
3. Finish my personal statements by Thursday

So far, that’s all I have in mind of doing, basically just homework.
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Youtube Link: Search: Mike Woah

5th Anniversary

Blogged at 3:44PM

So today marks the fifth anniversary since the day my grandfather passed away. It’s been a long time, and I missed you dearly. I got up kind of late this morning after getting a call from Annie at 6AM in the morning. Girlfriend, you have to stop doing that! Haha, just kidding. So anyways, I showered and got ready and met up with all my relatives downstairs. I talked to my grandma for a while about how she encountered the most precious memories she shared with my grandpa. My grandpa was exactly like me in every way possible. He loves animals and would do absolutely everything that he could to take good care of his pets. He enjoyed being able to live every moment without any stress and without having to be sad. He overcame all the problems that happens through family crisis to financial issues. He’s exactly the type of father-figure I ever wanted, but life gets cut short sometimes, and things gets hard. I love you grandpa just remember that.

So anyways yesterday I thought I was going to get in trouble for sneaking out but I didn’t after all. My parents left to go to an engagement party for my uncle’s sister (my aunt that I’m not close with) and I decided I didn’t want to go. After getting ready and having my brother cover for me, I left to go hang out with G for a while. Basically all I did was play secretary for a while until he had a call to go to work for a few minutes. So he got dressed (which I laughed and mocked him for) and helped him with his cuffs and he left to go to work. Eventually he left and I went downstairs to watch a Walk To Remember with his mom. I love his mom, she’s basically a mom that I wish I had sometimes haha. So we ended up talking about G’s childhood and about her life just until G got home. After that G put up all his clothes and came down to finish the movie with me. I told him how the main character reminded me of him and he called me a nerd and said the girl that Mandy Moore plays is like me -_-” Psh, whatever kid. So either it was during the movie or before it we were in his kitchen and his mom got me some yogurt because I didn’t want any icecream. His dog Ginger (I think) is a German Shepard. The last time I saw her, she almost wanted to eat me, but I fed her some bacon bites and she likes me now And Mafan, that cutie pie is so smart! G’s mom taught him how to do all these tricks and I absolutely fell in love with him <3 (The dog that is). So then after the movies I said bye to G’s mom and he walked me to my car and I left It was fun and I came home – as usual my parents got home before me, and all was good.

So basically life is pretty swell. Thursday I’m leaving to go to my ASB retreat until Sunday. And yeah That’s it.

Gambling my heart away

Blogged at: 2:39PM

I’m tired of always having to contradict my emotions whenever my feelings are being forced up and down in this roller coaster motion. I’m always doubting my position that I’m in, whenever you are thought of in my mind – and the more I try to overcome the situation, the more complexity is added upon it. I’m always going to be placed aside, no matter what is going on or what isn’t going on. There’s no room for me in your life and there wasn’t any room in there to begin with. I’m glad that we were able to go through conversations on the same level, but I’m sensing that there’s something that is holding back your emotions. Perhaps it’s the incidents in your past, or how others have treated you. Whichever it is, I’m sorry that I’m not good enough to be thought of in your mind like the people from your past.

There comes a time where I would have to pick myself up from every unstable emotional stage that I place myself in. I don’t understand myself, how I ended up in the position to begin with. Maybe the thought of actually being able to share my world with you was too good to be true. Too good to even be thought of in your own time. I’m not sure what to think of anymore, but just giving up hope. I tried my best, risked being yelled at, but what I do isn’t enough anymore, and that’s alright. I understand, and I’ll leave you to your own decisions and the path you choose to take towards your own future – whether I’m in it or not.

Note: I haven’t been updating this blog lately because I’ve been kind of busy. Here’s a few things that you’ve probably missed out on. The week that I actually got to go out, G took me out to go eat at Olive Garden. The week after he drove down to pick me up from Annie’s house. We went to go to Boomers, and he beat me at the first round of mini golf. I ended up beating him back on the second round and we went to go on the Go Kart. The last person I needed to pass was G, himself, but he wouldn’t let me pass so he beat me at that. I knew he wanted to go on the bumper boats, but I despised getting wet. Eh, we went on the ride anyways and I soaked him 3x times more than I wanted too. He wanted to go rock climbing after wards, so I sat out drying out his shirt and my own clothes for a while. He almost made it to the top until he slipped and fell. After that he took me to Bella Terra and we ate at Kabuki, even though he can’t eat raw stuff. I ordered the veggie roll and the cucumber roll. He ordered the bbq ribs. We ended up late to the movies and we watched Wanted, even though I watched it before. The whole day was worth: $100, but the shared laughs were priceless.

Yesterday I drove up to LA to go to his house. Turns out my navigation was wrong. It only takes me 15 minutes to get up to LA, but then again I drove really fast. I almost tipped over my car because I went too fast at a turn, and it scared me to death. I eventually got to his house where his German Shepard almost ate me alive. I woke him up and we hung out in his house until 1 (I was actually playing with his Maltese, Mafan, and falling asleep). He drove my car and scared me twice in it. Once before the movies (we watched The Mummy and he took me to go get lunch at Cha) and once after when we were going to the T-Mobile store. Ah, changed my phone number and everything was all good afterwards. It ended up taking me 14 minutes to get home after that. From a full tank to half a tank in one day.

Relive The Moments

Blogged at: 7:51AM

That take your breath away. I’m still sore, I guess it was from the crazy rides and what not. Eh, I’m not so estatic about going to school this week anyways, considering my teacher is a pain in the ass with his mumbo jumbo “I get paid, not you, so shut up and listen to me” lectures. To be honest, maybe if he tried considering to be more respectful to his students, we wouldn’t have to be so mean to him anyways.

I went to bed around 8:50PM I think, I’m assuming I did considering Hamham fell asleep around then afterwards. Eh, I accidently clicked the green button again, and wham! So I ended up promising I’d go through the pain of having to wake up at 4:30AM just because I wasted another 10-15 minutes of his time. Eventually my phone ran non-stop up until 12-2 this morning, and it drove me nuts. What a way to start my morning.

I had a crazy dream, but it wasn’t that good to be posted anyways, haha. Hm, so then I woke up at 4:30AM, and sent a wake up call to G and he was all up bright and shiny. What a loser, because he ended up falling asleep a few minutes before work anyways.

I need to go buy a bluetooth, I’m tired of having to wait until after I’m done driving/getting lost to call someone, it’s ridiculous.

This Saturday I’m planning on hitting up the 626 area anyways to go clean cars and then head to the doctors for Hamham. Plus, I feel bad that the other times he came down here and wasted gas. Haha.

Eh, okay time for me to go mail my penpal their letter and start on homework.

Been a while

Blogged at: 8:15PM

Life is so hectic that I don’t even have the time to blog it! Or perhaps it’s only because I don’t want random people to read what I write, haha. Just kidding about the second part. Life is alright except I’m still losing weight which is a bad sign for my part. I went to the optometrist today to get my eyes checked and I still have 20/20, thank goodness. My brother ended up being blind so he had to get glasses. On Tuesday I’d have to drive back to pick up his glasses. Been worried about Hamham and things that are going on. Eh, besides that life is good! Haha.

Hacks from my friends:
Annie – Bestie

ayeee ayeee shawty! listen upp here, this be the one and only bestie talking; but you can call me annie. she’s the only one that can call me bestie anyways(:. so what can i tell you about this girl. if you don’t know her yet well find the time to get to know her. she’s hella under estimated but like they say “looks are deceiving” plus she’s not a book so don’t judge her. get to know her before you open your mouth and say something bad. she been through a lot; don’t fuck with her. everyone knows how our friendship goes. it been on this shit one too many times so by now everyone should know how this. for those who don’t know let me tell you the basic. it been 25 months and counting since we became best friends. we been through a lot together. from “eww their ugly” to “you’re too good for them”. from “STFU you don’t know” to “im sorry”. we put each other on check LOl. sound weird but she helps me get my mind focus on what is more important to what is less important. i help her with things too street wise(x. we been there for each other no matter what happens. sometimes we disapprove of others decisions but no matter what we still there for each other and catch one another if we fall. we had our ups and downs but more ups then downs. this girl taught me so many things i never knew about yet she got me looking forward to my future. yeahh there were times where we were about to drop our friendship but we always talk it out and fix our problems. everything we been through can never add up to anything. no words can tell you how much we went through and all the shit we put up with each other. ask all the people that knows us. they’ll tell you how strong our friendship is. i embarrass her sometimes but she learns how to deal. she does it too me too. dude no lie i would walk a thousand miles just to be there for this girl no joke. i already walk to her house thats like 3 mins away from driving think about walking to her house and if you know me damnn LOl. x] he whole family knows that im her best friend too. its crazy. in your life people comes and goes but when people comes and you get that instant connection, you just know that they’re there to stay. the first time i talk to this girl i knew from the start she’s the one, the one i call my best friend for eternity. no only because we connection at the stop but our last names are the same. thats pretty much rare in you’re life to find a friend that has the same last name for you (unless you’re a nguyen or tran haha) but yet they become your best friend. i don’t know what i’ll do without this girl in my life. she’s my ride or die bestie for life. she knows me more then i know myself at times. i love her to death. i just want what is best for her sometimes but we’re all stubborn in our own ways so i understand but she catch on to sooner or later. no joke we’re here to stay. best friends for life yo’. i think i said more then i need to say. any questions; hit her up and get to know her yourself. its worth it in the end trust me. she’s infamous but she’s more then what people say she is. get to know the real her you won’t regret it. she’s pretty blunt too so if you think you can handle it hit her up(: im outtie. byee bestie! *7126

Lara – Twinny

mily is one of the toughest cookies i know. so back off her koolaid! shes human, she gets hurt, but what, she learns from it. mily is one of the sickest designers i know. she is always there for me when im sad, when i need to talk, when i need advice. She helps me clean up my mind. She also has a very nice taste in clothes. shes one of the illest mo fos you will ever meet, so be nice.
(: mily is my hero because through all the shit she laughs it off and smiles (: I LOVE YOU MILY!! – your little sister!

Cathy – My Love

Michelle Mai Lan. Mily. Whatever you call her, she’s still the same person that I met about a year ago. We don’t talk much anymore, but it doesn’t matter because I know that anything we’ve talked about before is sealed. She’s one of the few that I’m glad I met and got to know better because she’s one to keep. Mily listens even if you doesn’t understand the situation well; she attempts to comprehend no matter what. Mily’s a strong person who can handle almost anything and those who attempt to break her as an inviddual should think twice.

Garry – My Consultant

It means that youre always laughing, youre happy. nothing can get you down. when you get sad, 2 minutes later, youre smiling. you have one of thee most positive attitude that i know of and its always a pleasure to talk to you. :]

Where is the Love?

Blogged at: 9:56PM

I really haven’t felt this way in a long time. How can it be so easy for you to go around and melt hearts like that? Haha, I’m not the only one who has felt this way towards you. The feeling is just totally indescribable. Anyways, I’m going to go back and do some work.

Going back towards what happened today:

• Parents forgot it was my birthday.
• Tu & Kyle got me birthday presents <3 They are the best.
• I think I did bad on my test. I think.
• Got back my other test, made stupid mistakes and got a 89%, whatever.
• Tomorrow is senior portraits – am I going to buy any? Why should I?
• Get ready for a heart melt down tomorrow – possibly shed a few tears.

Anyways, I’m going to do some homework & Try to wake up as early as I can before Hamham can Haha.

A Year Older

Blogged at: 8:47AM

Ugh, I’m sleeping less and less now a days. Anyways yesterday’s class made my head fill up with migraines after migraines. The kids behind me kept talking in Chinese, and the funny part was, I understood all of it. They were the two smartest kids in the class, but that doesn’t give them the opportunity to talk over the teacher. So basically I didn’t learn jack and I have a test today, haha, on my birthday. What a way to start my birthday actually, yesterday I find out there were stories about Hamham that I didn’t even know of, but I clarified it with him, and things are good. Hm, ah yes, and Hamham was the first to say happy birthday to me, even though Hamham was off by a whopping forty-minutes.

Today: Actually, I really don’t have any plans for today as far as I know. I’m just planning to go to school like it was any other day, take my exam (possibly fail it), go home and attempt my AP homework, and then talk to Annie, Ha, Diana, and Hamham. Hm, and this morning I got woken up by Annie because she wanted to leave a voicemail singing happy birthday to me D; That would’ve made my day except I didn’t want to hear the phone to ring continuously so I just picked it up. Harhar.

I’ll probably blog more when I get the time.

Standing Up For Myself

Blogged at: 9:14AM

The reasons why I do the things I do is because that’s how I’m used to managing things. And if for some reason you don’t like who I associate with or how I run things, then maybe we weren’t meant to be friends – or even more. I’m tired of having to feel inferior to you when relationships should have an equal balance between right judgment and power. Sometimes, it may seem as though I don’t understand how you feel, but I know how to watch myself when things aren’t going right, and I don’t need you to butt in to tell me otherwise. I’m tired of being pushed around and being told who I can and cannot be friends with, when I know what I know myself, that there are limits of which I can do things with such amazing people. No, I don’t need someone to build up boundaries for me and set limitations against the types of people I want to dedicate my time to get to know better. No, I don’t need that. I just want to do things the way I do it, run the things the way I run it, because you don’t realize that with you being insecure about the actions that I take – can only lead to problems within yourself. You don’t realize that your trust for me has vanquished beneath the blanket of insecurity that you wrap yourself around when you run thoughts in your mind over what I could be possibly doing. Look, I’ve had to lecture this many times to you – and I’m not going to stop until you understand it. The more you do this to me, the more you push me away, get it?

If I could possibly thank the people who have helped me these past months when I was and still am stick, I’d do it: Annie Huynh, Diana Loi, Ha Troung, Amanda Nguyen, G, Amaan Ali, Kathy Tsai, and so much more whom I can’t thank enough but at the moment can’t really remember. There are so many things outside of the world that I wasn’t able to see because of the cage that I was forced to live in, so many people whom I would have never guessed I was able to meet until I was strong enough to go against the bars and enjoy the extravaganza that the world had to offer. I’m tired of being always placed in the dark, it’s time for me to get some sunlight.

If anything, none of these feelings had to deal with the intensity of my love for you, nor did it effect it. I don’t blame you for trying to keep me under safe ways, but I’m not a child – I can handle things myself. As much as you want to be able to do watch every step I take, it’s impossible with the hectic schedule that we both have. Let’s take things as they are, and see where life has destined to take us because I no longer want to fix broken pipes within these emotions and situations that we are bound to some day over come.

I want to be able to open your eyes and make you realize that if criticizing me was your game, then I don’t want to be a part of this love that we have set up for each other. I want you to realize that if expressing yourself in a manner where you are at an angry stage your was your game, that I’d want to lose immediately and leave the table before you restart another. If love felt this powerless and meaningless, so lifeless as it is through my eyes, then I no longer want to be the apple of your eye, just an acquaintance.